Over the past number of years, there has been an explosion of advertising around pharmaceuticals that are designed to alleviate problems with ED [erectile dysfunction] in men (for the drug companies and advertising agencies, the embarrassment of ED has apparently replaced the heartbreak of psoriasis). Of course, this condition can be a serious problem: according to the drug company sites, almost 50% of all men between the ages of 40 to 70 experience some form of ED. I fear that men (and their partners) who are very concerned with performance issues may be rushing off to find a quick-and-easy solution without fully appreciating the situation. ED is just one of the symptoms of andropause, and unless you address the broader spectrum of symptoms, the results are apt to be a temporary 'fix' at best, and very likely wholly unsatisfying.
Rather than focusing on just one symptom of andropause, Dr. Jed Diamond lists ten symptoms that need to be recognized and addressed. They are:
1.Reduced libido or sex drive
2.Reduced potency or ability to obtain and maintain an erection
3.Fatigue or loss of vitality
4.Irritability and grumpiness
5.Aches,pains,and stiffness
6.Depression that often manifests as anger or boredom
7.Night sweats or “hot flashes”
8.Dryness and thinning of the skin
9.Restlessness and a longing to break free
10.Weight gain,especially acquiring a potbelly.
Regardless of how well a man is able to 'obtain and maintain an erection' thanks to those helpful pills, if the rest of his health and demeanor remains lethargic and unattractive, there's no way that he's going to be able to enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship . . . to say nothing of his partner! There can be no real improvement unless the man becomes willing to involve himself in a more holistic approach to aging. Let me quote Dr. Diamond again as he describes the breadth of effects of andropause on men. He writes, "[Andropause] begins with hormonal, physiological, and chemical changes that occur in all men generally between the ages of forty and fifty-five, though they can occur as early as thirty-five or as late as sixty-five. These changes affect all aspects of a man's life. [Andropause] is, thus, a physical condition with psychological, interpersonal, social, and spiritual dimensions." Taking the little blue pill to treat andropause would be like putting a band-aid on a tumor: it may make you feel like you're doing something, but it's not having any real effect.
We can identify one of the underlying issues that makes the midlife transition so difficult to manage for many men as their learned (and culturally-reinforced emotional repression. As I've mentioned before in other articles, guys are allowed to have two emotions: anger and sex. Negative emotions tend to be channeled into anger; while positive emotions tend to be channeled into sex (with the possible exception of 'pride' which seems to have its own expression). When the symptoms of andropause have effectively cut off the sexual expression, a guy may be left only expressing anger: certainly not an attractive characteristic. This downward spiral can prove to be a source of terrible confusion for both the man and his partner. Neither one can figure out what's happening and, in the meantime, each blames the other for their predicament.
The midlife transition presents a couple with what may be the greatest challenge of their lives together: to respond to the complex issues generated by the midlife transition by becoming more self-aware and by learning to deepen their levels of communication. The man needs to learn to be able to identify what he's feeling and to gain a new emotional vocabulary. He also needs to lay aside his masculine ego and learn to trust his partner more deeply with his own vulnerability. Concurrently, his partner needs to learn greater patience and trust, learning simply to listen as the man struggles with new forms of self-expression, while setting aside personal need to 'fix' the situation. In some instances (maybe even many instances) a neutral third party, like a couples' therapist, can help the learning process along. One of the most difficult lessons that a man can learn during the midlife transition comes down to this: accepting his own vulnerability does not in any way make him less of a man. This important lesson flies in the face of everything that he's been taught from the day he was born. It's an understanding that will require a lot of time and patience to acquire.
There's no quick-fix pill you can take that'll allow you suddenly to obtain the wisdom that the midlife transition has to offer. It's a process that provides a myriad of opportunities to take small steps forward toward that degree of self-knowledge that brings with it a sort of unshakable serenity that we see in the faces of those we consider the wisest. Not by chance do we only see that look reflected in the faces of those who have attained a certain level of maturity. It cannot be given to you; you must earn it through the process of self-acceptance that the midlife transition offers to you. It comes only with an unconditional acceptance of yourself and all the responsibility that comes with that: all the responsibility for your choices that led to successes, and all the responsibility for those choices that led to further education (what some would characterize as 'failures'). Finally, there's the acceptance of the world as it is; life on life's terms; recognizing yourself as a cog in the works, a worker among workers, a friend among friends. Can you manage that? Others have done it — for untold centuries — even before there ever was a little blue pill.
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown
Comments