Midlife Mastery Journal

What to Do When You're in Hot Water

Earlier this week, my partner, Craig, sent me a story in an e-mail from his work. I thought it was one of the best of its kind that I had read in a very long time, so I want to share it with all of you. Here's the story:

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

Building Your Emotional "Fallout Shelter"

When was the last time someone dropped 'the bomb' on you? You know what I mean: the last time you heard someone say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you;" or "I'm sorry but we're going to have to let you go;" or the ever-popular "The doctor wants to see you in his office right away"? Ouch! For many reasons, midlife winds up being 'ground zero' for many of life's most upsetting moments. Back in the '50's, we were universally taught to "duck and cover" as a strategy that was supposed to help us survive a nuclear bomb explosion. I'm not sure that we have any generally-accepted strategies for recovering from these kinds of midlife blasts, though. Emotionally, we're stuck with a kind of 'every person for him- or herself!' sort of approach.

By their very nature, our emotions are reactive. They're indicative that something (for better or worse) is going on with us. We're liking or disliking, fearing or fighting something in our environment. When we're hit with one of these life-bombs, our emotions first generally register shock and disbelief. We feel the emotional 'kick in the gut' that initially (at least) sends us reeling. Then, quickly or slowly, we progress through the famous Five Stages of Grief that Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. It's critical that people develop effective personal strategies for dealing with these midlife 'bombs' because, as likely as not, regardless of what our past experience has been, there are probably more just like them yet to come.

The REAL 'Secret to Success'

I Googled 'secret to success' and I came up with over 617,000 listings! Some secret! In fact, I know I've written more than one article on the subject myself. Yet I'm still learning and still pressing the Universe for answers to the deepest questions, especially those that plague most of us at the midlife transition. Midlife, you know, is that time of life when we transition from doing what we were supposed to do, to doing what we were destined to do . If you are having trouble figuring out what I mean by that, then the midlife transition may not have hit you quite yet. But, be patient! It will!

Now, back to the REAL Secret to Success. After the life-altering experience that I underwent a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to write about something significant that I had learned . . . something that might be of benefit to others. I thought about the biggest obstacle that people (men especially) have to face at midlife. I know that 'stopper' very well: self-sufficiency. I also remember the one piece of important advice that almost every entrepreneur I interviewed on my former radio program (The Frazzled Entrepreneur) gave as his or her parting comment: "Get yourself a coach, mentor or adviser!" Seeking the counsel of others is of critical importance to anyone who is in pursuit of success. Yet, in itself, this is not the REAL Secret to Success. What is?

Derailing Your Train of Thought

Have you ever noticed how certain patterns in your life keep re-emerging. Doesn't it sometimes feel as though you've gotten yourself locked into some kind of bizarre dance that sends you round and round the same issues and behaviors time after time? Only part of our actions are really deliberate; the rest are all learned behaviors. We learned them because we had to. At one time, they served us well. Although we can no longer even remember when we climbed on board these thought patterns, our behavior very often gives stark testimony to our rigid, one-track mind.

There are many sayings and slogans in the many and varied recovery programs out there. There's one that fits here particularly well (it's from AA): "The same man will drink again." It's true because, unless we're able to confront the unconscious thought patterns that underlie our decision-making processes, when faced with similar situations, we'll just naturally come up with the same conclusions whether or not they make any sense. Remember Einstein's definition of insanity: 'Doing the same things over and over again, each time expecting different results?' The insanity behind self-defeating behavior doesn't lie in the will — we seem to have plenty of ability to do whatever we really want to do — the problem lies, rather, in our patterns of though themselves. Another saying from the world of recovery states: 'You don't have a drinking problem so much as a thinking problem.